Quadrant Conundrum
by Kyle Babeflovski
Summary: Your name is Karkat Vantas and you really hate everything right now. Okay, so maybe you're just in a bad mood. Humanstuck, EriSolKat


Your name is Karkat Vantas and you really hate your life. This isn't really true, your life isn't even bad. To be honest, you hate yourself more.

But you don't exactly enjoy your life currently. You have a problem.

The problem being that Eridan Ampora is currently "dating" your best friend, Sollux Captor. However, dating is a term you use loosely. They don't get along at all. In fact, they hate eachother. Their relationship is more of an "enemies with benefits" kind of thing. Nonetheless, they're together and you're alone. (The fact that you might have a thing for both of them doesn't help.)

Your phone lights up next to you and you tear your attention away from the movie you were watching. There's a Pesterchum notification blinking on your screen.

-twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CA] at 12:27-

TA: kk  
TA: kk iim bored  
CA: WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO ABOUT THIS, EXACTLY?  
TA: ii dont know  
TA: talk to me ii gue22  
TA: ed wa2 pe2teriing me earliier though complaiiniing about hii2 dad comiing home drunk agaiin  
TA: ii hate hii2 gut2 kk but you know what ed2 dad ii2 liike when he2 2ober  
TA: iid hate to 2ee hiim drunk  
CG: OKAY, STILL NOT SURE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO.  
TA: je2u2 chrii2t kk  
TA: ii mean ii know we hate hiim  
TA: but ii have to admiit iim a liittle worriied  
CG: I GUESS I AM TOO, BUT WHAT CAN WE EVEN DO?  
CG: I DONT THINK IT'D BE VERY EASY TO SNEAK IN HIS HOUSE.  
CG: I MEAN, DIDN'T HE GET THAT UPGRADE FOR THE SECURITY SYSTEM LAST WEEK?  
TA: yeah but he doe2nt have an alarm 2et for hii2 wiindow  
CG: DO I WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU KNOW THIS?  
TA: he told me fucknut2 2o ii diidnt have to 2top 2neakiing iin at niight  
CG: NO, I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW. HOW ARE YOU GETTING UP THERE ANYWAY? HIS ROOM IS ON THE SECOND FLOOR.  
TA: you know they have that thiing wiith liike the viiolet ro2es on the hou2e  
TA: ii ju2t cliimb up that  
CG: JESUS FUCK, WHY WOULD YOU GO THROUGH ALL THAT JUST TO SEE SOMEONE YOU CAN HARDLY STAND?  
TA: becau2e late niight 2ex i2 awe2ome  
TA: you 2hould joiin u2 2ometiime  
CG: I'D RATHER HAVE MY INSIDES TORN OUT BY VULTURES AND STREWN ACROSS THE DESERT, LIKE SOME SORT OF TWISTED BIRTHDAY PARTY.  
TA: you mean  
CG: DAMNIT DO NOT SAY "LIKE A CORPSE PARTY". I WISH YOU AND YOUR CREEPY EX GIRLFRIEND NEVER MADE UP THAT TERM.  
TA: aa ii2nt creepy  
TA: je2u2 what wa2 your problem wiith her  
CG: I DON'T KNOW, SOLLUX. SHE WAS JUST WEIRD.  
TA: 2o are you but you dont 2ee me poiintiing that out 2ludgefuck  
CG: ARE WE GONNA GO RESCUE ERIDAN LIKE THE PRINCESS HE IS OR WHAT?  
TA: yeah let2 go

-twinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 12:34-

You sigh and run a hand through your hair.

"Fuck." You whisper to no one in particular, picking shirt up off the ground and smelling it. Deciding that it smells clean enough and vowing to do laundry later, you pull it over your head and tell your dad you'll be home soon.

The afternoon sun glares down on you and by the time you get to Eridan's house you're sweating, and wishing you hadn't worn a long sleeved shirt. Then again you don't have very many short sleeved ones. You're pretty self conscious when it comes to your arms. Last year, when you were fifteen you went through a rough patch, and you had an issue with self-harm. Your arms are littered with scars. They've faded, and are now just something else about yourself that you hate.

Sollux lives farther away from Eridan than you, so you still have some time. You decide to pull out your phone and let Eridan know that the two of you are coming over.

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] at 12:51-

CG: ERIDAN, YOU ALRIGHT?  
CA: yeah im fine wwhy wwouldnt i be  
CG: SOLLUX SAID YOUR DAD WAS DRUNK? HE'S TERRIFYING SOBER, I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT HIM DRUNK.  
CA: oh my god  
CA: you guys are fuckin idiots  
CA: yeah i wwas tellin sol about howw dad wwas drunk  
CA: but he doesnt really care to talk to me or anythin he just brings home a hooker or somethin and i havve to put up with the noise  
CG: JESUS CHRIST, HOW THE HELL DID SOLLUX NOT KNOW THIS?  
CA: i make sure dads not drunk wwhen sol comes ovver  
CA: nothin gets you flaccid faster than listenin to your dad gettin laid  
CG: WHY THE HELL DO YOU TO THINK I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE?  
CA: wwe dont you keep askin about it like the pervv you are kar  
CG: NO SHITSTAIN, I KEEP ASKING PERFECTLY INNOCUOUS QUESTIONS. YOU TWO HAVE SOME FREAKY KINK FOR TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT YOUR FUCK SESSIONS.  
CA: thats sick kar  
CA: i cannot believe you wwould think i wwas into somethin as shameful as that  
CA: though i cant vvery wwell say that sol doesnt  
CA: seems like the kinda wweird shit he wwould be into  
CG: IF YOU DONT WANT TO LISTEN TO YOUR DAD BONE SOME CHICK YOU AND SOLLUX CAN COME OVER TO MY PLACE OR SOMETHING. NO BONING IN MY ROOM THOUGH. NOT UNLESS I'M INVITED.  
CG: I DON'T THINK MY DAD'S GOTTEN LAID IN THE PAST THREE YEARS.  
CA: like father like son  
CG: FUCK OFF.  
CA: dont wworry kar wwell definitely invvite you  
CA: but yeah okay theres a ladder around the back use it so i dont havve to risk my neck climbin up the roses like a chump  
CG: WAIT DOESN'T SOLLUX DO THAT? CLIMB UP THE ROSES? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL HIM ABOUT THE LADDER?  
CA: because wwhen he gets up here hes all out of breath and tired so its much easier for me to get him to let me top  
CG: STOP TELLING ME ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE. JESUS SHIT.  
CA: besides he looks hot as fuck like that  
CG: I DON'T CARE.  
CG: I THINK I SEE HIM. YOU READY TO GO?  
CA: yeah i can hear my dad moanin so hurry the fuck up  
CG: ALRIGHT DON'T TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DAD'S SEX LIFE EITHER.  
CG: I'M GETTING THE LADDER NOW.

-carcinoGeneticist [CA] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] at 13:14-

You're blushing just a little when you go to get the ladder. By the time you've managed to drag it over to Eridan's window Sollux is already climbing the roses.

"Where the fuck did you get that?" He asks, hopping down from the wall.

"It was around the back of the house, numbnuts. Come help me set it up." You say, rolling your eyes.

"Why the fuck have I been climbing up the goddamn rotheth every time I come over here then?" He yells, looking up at the window, and you swear you hear a chuckle.

The ladder barely reaches a few inches below Eridan's window, but him and Sollux are both so gangly it's not going to be a problem.

Eridan comes out of the window with a bag thrown over his shoulder a few minutes later. As soon as he's on the ground Sollux punches him in the stomach and he gasps in pain.

"What the fuck, Sol?" He shouts, rage plain on his face.

"Why the fuck did you make me climb up the goddamn rotheth when there wath a fucking ladder right behind your houthe?" Sollux shouts back, his hands still curled into fists. He would've been pretty intimidating, if not for his lisp.

"I believe the proper term is mansion, Sol." Eridan smirks and Sollux sneers at him.

"Both of you shut the fuck up. Are you coming or not?" You ask, rubbing your temples. You can already tell that by the end of tonight you're going to have an enormous migraine.

"Coming where?" Sollux asks.

"To Kar's house, his dad hasn't got laid in years, so we don't have to worry about... noises." Eridan huffs, clearly glad to know something Sollux didn't.

"We wouldn't have to worry about noithes at my houthe either, dumbass. My dadth wouldn't do it if I had people over."

"Better safe than sorry, Sol. Besides, Kar's place is bigger. Though not by much." Eridan tacks that last bit on and you and Sollux exchange annoyed glances.

"Fine, KK'th it ith then." Sollux sneers at Eridan and starts walking towards your house. You and Eridan follow, and you don't miss it when he deliberately kicks pebbles at Sollux's ankles.

The three of you are at the apartment complex in minutes. You reach in your pockets and swear when you realize you forgot your key. You sigh in resignation and knock.

"You brought friends." Your dad cocks an eyebrow at you. "I don't recall you asking, Karkat."

"Thorry Mr. Vantath, ED- I mean, Eridan'th dad ith drunk, tho we wanted to get him out of the houth, and my dadth are too busy getting the houthe ready for Mituna. He cometh back from thchool next week." Sollux steps in front of you and your dad's face lights up. He adores Sollux, apparently his dad knew one of Sollux's dads in highschool. He's not too fond of Eridan, or any of the Amporas for that matter.

"Oh yes, I understand. Kankri is coming home next week as well. Him an Karkat will be sharing a room. It's a shame Kankri and Mituna didn't get to go to the same school. I'd really prefer it if he spent more of his time with him than that Ampora boy he's so infatuated with. No offense, Eridan."

"None taken Mr. Vantas, Cro isn't exactly my favorite person either."

"Well Karkat, I suppose I'm okay with it. Sollux, do your dads know you're here?" He asks Sollux, and you're eternally grateful that your dad likes him so much.

"I have to call and athk actually. I'm thure they'll be fine with it. They'll be able to get a lot more done." He replies, flashing a smile at your dad.

"Well, alright. Do you need to use the phone?"

"Nah, I got it." He says, pulling out his phone, and grinning. Your father chuckles and lets the three of you go upstairs

Sollux's dads, as it turns out, were more than happy to let Sollux stay the night, and Eridan assures you that his dad probably won't even notice he's gone. So the three of you settle down and watch Failure to Launch, one of your favorite movies. Sollux groans through the movie and Eridan chuckles at his disgust with the movie, and somehow he ends up laying across your lap.

You're so enthralled with the movie that it takes awhile for you to notice that someone is staring at you. As the feeling creeps up on you, you turn around and find yourself looking into Sollux's dichromatic eyes, and you wonder when he took his stupid 3D glasses off.

"Why are you looking at me for? You're missing the movie dumbass." You are not going to blush, no siree.

"To be honetht KK, I don't really give to thitth about thith movie. But I gotta admit, you look pretty cute when you're not thcowling."

It's an offhanded remark but its enough to make you blush like a schoolgirl.

"I heard that, Sol. The only one you should be callin' cute here is your boyfriend." Eridan says, and it startles you because you were pretty sure he was asleep. He doesn't sound jealous or bitter though, he actually sounds... happy.

"I wath." Sollux says, and you can hear the smirk in his voice. "Bethideth, I read through thome of your old pethterlogth with FF, and you totally have a boner for KK." They know about you. They have to know. Why else would they be saying stuff like this if they didn't know. Your chest seizes up with panic and you want to cry. (Like hell you're going to though.)

"How in the fuck did you get ahold of those?" Eridan sits up and the joking tone is completely gone from his voice. Was he actually serious about that? You breathing becomes a little less erratic and the panic starts to ebb away.

"I hacked your account, dipthit. It wathn't even hard." Sollux shrugs and holy shit he might actually be serious.

"Wait, what?" You don't even realize you said it until they both look at you, Eridan mortified and Sollux smug.

"Shit, uh. Look, I'm really sorry about this Kar. It's not like, a creepy thin, it's just. Fuck. Sorry."  
Oh god they really are serious.

"No, uh. It's fine, really." You say and shit, this is the most awkward you've ever been. "But, uh, what about Sollux? You know, your boyfriend?"

"See now that's the part I feel really disgusting about. I have like, two different kinds of things for you two. Like, I hate Sol, but I also don't want him to get hurt too bad, and we bone but that's somethin else entirely. With you, I genuinely care about you, more than Sol anyway, and to be honest, I wouldn't mind gettin in bed with you either. It's sick and I'm sorry." Shit those look like tears.

"Fuck, uh no it's not. It's perfectly normal or whatever." You're blushing and stuttering and fuck it all, you lean in and kiss him for lack of anything better to say or do. It's just a quick peck and you both pull away and just kind of look at eachother.

"Sorry." You mumble and fuck, why did you think that would be a good idea?

"S'fine." Eridan seems at a loss for words.

For about two minutes you both just kind of sit there awkwardly when finally Sollux, who has been oddly quiet, speaks up.

"Fuck me, that wath adorable ath thit, KK."

Eridan snaps out of his stupor and glares at Sollux. "By the way, Kar, Sol's moaned your name during sex before."

Sollux looks outraged, and Eridan has the smuggest look you've ever seen on his face.

"Tho have you!" He snaps, crossing his arms and sinking back on the bed.

"Will the both of you just shut the fuck up for two seconds?" You say, rubbing at your temples.

"Thorry ED hath a cruth on you, KK. You could do tho much better, namely, me." Sollux smirks at Eridan and you raise an eyebrow at him

"You asking me out, Captor?" Wow where the fuck did that sudden burst of confidance come from?

"Maybe." He shrugs at you and waggles his eyebrows. "ED can come too, if you want. Which I know you do. I've read your pethterlogth with a thertain TZ." He smirks and Eridan looks at you and then at Sollux.

"Shit. Uh, so what?" You shrug. "Maybe Eridan and I will fucking ride off into the sunset like in those shitty action movies John likes." Eridan's smirking now and okay now you're kissing and holy fuck he's actually really good at this. He glides his tongue along your lower lip and you gladly grant him entrance. For a little while you fight for dominance, and you're well aware of the small moans escaping your mouth. Despite everything his lips are soft on yours and you go lax and just give him control.

You break apart for air and Sollux just stares at the two of you, eyes wide.

"Five buckth thayth that I'm a better kither." He says, before placing his lips on yours. He goes slower than Eridan, before gentle prodding at your lip with has tongue and the you open your mouth. Your tongues dance around eachother, as you explore eachother's mouths, before meeting in the middle. Of all the ways you expected tonight to go, this was not one if them.

You break apart and Sollux smirks at you. "Thee? Way better right?"

You grin, your lips are swollen and you're a little bit hard, but you don't care.

"I don't know, I think I need to compare them again."

Eridan and Sollux smile at almost the exact same time.

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and maybe life doesn't suck as much as you thought it did


End file.
